What We Carry

Last week my yoga instructor directed the class to lay on our backs and breathe as she concluded her guided practice. She rung a large deep bell. 

I wasn’t thinking of anything in particular. I was just breathing deeply. 

But slowly the ringing began to pierce my heart. 

It quickly felt too much to bear - like an ocean wave flooding in. 

I felt embarrassed to be so overwhelmed. I tried to hold it back but an assistant noticed my breathing. It had become staggered and shortened. I was panting. I didn't want to lose control. Everything inside told me to hold fast, harder - to be a man. 

I thought to myself, "No! I was just fine a moment ago." 

She calmly walked over to me and kneeled above me. She gently rested her finger on my forehead and with the other hand she placed on my chest. 

And I felt it all - melancholy and joy, love and pain, despair and hope, strength and humility, all together. 

Deep emotions tied up. 

Intertwined within my body. 

I had been holding on to everything, so painfully tight, and I hadn’t even realized it. And I let go. I wept it all out. Silently. It was a beautiful, aching release. And it was hard.

Afterward another girl, whom I didn’t know, gave me a long hug and rested her hand on my shoulder while I gathered my composure. I felt sooo embarrassed, but I couldn't help it. 

Honestly, I wasn’t even sure what I was crying about. Nervous from my job interview? Was it that song I heard? How much I love my family? Missing a past romance?  Maybe how beautiful and temporary life is? ...Yeah. All of it and more. 

I just felt overwhelmed.

I carry so much inside. And I am not always conscious that I’m doing it. I’m not sure why I do this, but I do. 

I feel so much, but I don't always allow myself to do so. 

Is it weird to cry over this? I used to think that being emotional just meant that I was sleep deprived - like how a baby gets when its time to take a nap. And maybe there is some truth to that notion, but not this time. 

I am realizing more and more that these feelings are real and are always there - that all thoughts are real. They manifest into our lives and our bodies whether we realize it or not. It’s only when we have the strength to embrace ourselves within do we understand that the safest place to be is genuinely vulnerable. As I lay there staring at the ceiling I realized that everything IS ok, nothing was “wrong”, but that I also needed to honor how complex and overwhelming life can feel sometimes - for better or for worse. I can’t ignore it anymore. 

I don’t know if others ever feel the same way. I can only imagine the different ways people carry their own emotions within themselves without truly looking inward.  I know it's complex. We mask this disconnect in countless ways - technology, addictions, our egos, detachment, even through intimacy. I know that I for one, do all of these. 

And I completely understand why we do it. We can’t always afford to be present and process every emotion. Some of us don’t even know how. And I don’t want to get emotional every time I hear beautiful music (although it happens a lot) or cry every time I witness something sad or something precious. It would turn me into a big mushy mess. Psh, fuck that. 

But I also don’t want to try and mask my feelings. I don't want to carry them with me. 

It’s true -  

Life is so short.

It’s complex.

And beautiful. 

And my heart aches because of it. 

I know I’m not perfect. And I’m not trying to be. I just want to be the best of me. And I want to be at peace with it all. 

Although I totally understand the notion of impermanence - of staying calm and "letting things go",  I find myself wanting to hold on, even if it hurts. And believe me, sometimes it does.  Fatherhood feels this way. And once in a while, romantic relationships too.

It’s almost like it’s my own personal human journey to love, to hold, to savor and cherish, to worry, and then to release, over and over in a continuing path of rediscovering my own peace right where I left it - in my own heart. 

So, if you’re reading this, and if you feel as I feel -  if the complexity of life makes you smile and laugh and cry at the same time, if it overwhelms you, if simply being you is the most beautiful and hardest thing you’ve ever known - not because you struggle, but because you feel - the good and the bad, know that I feel with you. 

And I pledge to do my best to honor, not ignore what I feel inside, that I may not carry it with me any longer than I need to. 

I know it's going to be ok. 

You would be brave to do the same. 

I hope you find your peace right where you left it too.

And know that I love you.