I remember the day 9/11 happened - My brother Mario woke me up. He barged into my room and said that a plane had exploded over New York and the U.S was under attack. I walked over to the T.V. and a few moments later the second plane hit. I saw it live. It was surreal. At the time I couldn’t think of anything else but my girlfriend and my family and making sure they were ok.
I don’t remember watching the news often but after that day I was glued to the T.V. I remember noticing the crisp and shiny news programs covering the events and how they edited video of the tragedy as seamless as NFL replays. They were so good at keeping me hooked. I watched the news for months after the attacks. No joke, they would say things like: “Next up! Find out why everyone is... AFRAID!”
And I was afraid. I was afraid that another attack might hit San Francisco. I was 18 years old and as a fresh adult, I was afraid of getting drafted into a new war. I was afraid of the chaos. I didn’t feel in control. I didn’t feel empowered. I felt caught up.
Me and my girlfriend walked to up to Bernal Hill that day and watched the city skyline, ready to witness our world fall apart. We held each other and I prayed to God that day - something I rarely did back then.
And then, years later, I became a father. I remember a lingering fear and anxiety (that still hasn’t completely vanished by the way) that no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t control my son’s fate. Really, anything can happen - an earthquake, a freak accident, a fucking terrorist attack, a car crash. I couldn’t control any of that stuff. I felt helpless and it used to irk my conscience somethin awful.
Spirituality helped solidify that feeling. God owned our fates. And so I surrendered fate to Him. And it felt better. I know that we will always be safe. At least spiritually. And that matters to me.
But I still need to buckle my kids seatbelt - because that’s what saved his life. I still need to teach him to look both ways before crossing the street. I still have to earn a living. I still have to provide a home. God will not do these things for me. How I go about it is my choice. My control. It’s what I own. And that matters to me too.
Becoming a dad has changed how I exist in this world. I no longer feel afraid or frozen. I no longer feel powerless. I feel responsible. Tragic events are not surreal. I feel ownership of them. I feel outraged. That could be my son washed up upon a beach.
And with all the tragedy around the world who wouldn’t be outraged? Paris, Lebanon, Afghanistan, Syria, Iraq, Israel/Palestine, Mexico, El Salvador, New Orleans, Japan, Indonesia, the Philippines, Liberia, Sandy Hook, and the list goes on.
How much of it is fate and how much of it is what we own?
I know for many, the answer is not always clear. And it doesn’t have to be. But the worst thing we can do for ourselves is to feel fear. To feel helpless. To wait.
As a dad I need tomorrow to come. I need the sun to rise every morning. I have something to lose. Everything. I feel lucid about the world we live in. And while I surrender my fate, my life is mine to give. And I would give it in a heart beat to make sure you can have a tomorrow.
So buckle your seatbelt - because this is the world we live in. And we cannot afford to be afraid.
